Change... again

Change is the essence of life; be willing to surrender who you are for what you could become - unknown


Why does inspiration hit at the late-night / early morning hours?  What is it about these hours between midnight and daylight that cause introspection and soul-searching?  Maybe its the tiredness that keeps the inhibitions to a minimum so that I can actually get out all the things that are deep inside.

I feel like I’m standing on a precipice - right there on the edge of the cliff.  Before me are lots of new opportunities and possibilities, behind me all the familiar things - the safe things.  Those comfortable roles that I’ve lived out for so long that call to me to stay here, stay with what you know.  The roles that everyone expects of me, remembering to use ‘my indoor voice.’  Yet within I’m tired and bored by the safe and familiar and I want to shout out loud when I want.  My old comfortable shoes make my feet hurt now, they don’t fit right anymore.  As I told my dad on the phone the other day, “the American dream holds nothing for me”.  To seek after that would be to settle for a beige life.   

Who really likes beige?  Its the color you choose when you want to sell the house and don’t want to have too much personality on the walls.  Its what you pick when you want to blend in and not stand out.  I am NOT beige, so I am refusing to settle for a beige life.  I find it rather fascinating when people find my life to be glamourous exotic compelling.  Yes it can make for interesting conversation over a meal or an occasional blogpost, but then what?  Perhaps my life is a bit more colorful than some, but I right now its only pastels and I want more.  

My sister posted on Facebook that she hates the unknown.  I don’t hate it, I like change, yet there is still this part of me that appreciates the security of the familiar. Jumping off the cliff is a scary prospect.  Will I fly or will I fall?  If I fall, who will be there to help pick up the mess?  If I fly, where will I end up and when will I land? How long can I just stand here with my indecision?  Can I live in the “in-between”? What happens if... There are too many questions to answer, do I have to answer them all or will they paralyze me?  Maybe just sometimes you have to just act - ready, fire, aim as it were.

Can I do that? Really, me? Life as I know it is about to change... again.