humility lessons

I'm fasting. But then again our whole church body is. So what is the big deal when people tell me I'm all hard core because of the fast that God impressed upon my heart. I'm not being strict because I want to be (I miss bread!) but because a fast must cost me something. If its easy its not a true fast, or so I've been taught & believe. Am I being too legalistic about this?

I'm fasting the things that steal my heart and time from Him. And yet I'm find myself filling that time with other things rather than spending time with my Father. Why? What is it in me that is pushing Him away? Why can't I learn to quiet my heart and be laid bare before I God? My hands so readily gravitate toward the novel or DVD on my bedside instead of the Word that is right next to them... My flesh is too strong, it MUST come into submission.

I want to be led by the Spirit, not by my desires (or stomach). Too many of my resources go to these other pursuits when I could be using them to further adoptions, missions, or other things that are Kingdom advancing. But is God really calling me to be an ascetic or is it to realize that every choice is one I need to put before Him - missions or movie? adoption or a novel? a latte or a larger offering?

I see that I am a statistic. I am part of the American Christian culture that professes that God is living in me, yet I act as though I am in control and not Him. I believe in God, but too often I do not depend on Him. This is what I mean when I say "I don't like myself in the States." I've found that when He puts me into another place in the world, depending on Him to provide for my every need, when my very existence is all in Him, my faith grows and my relationship with my Father is so much closer. But why is that true there and not here? Is it really so different? Does my existence here not depend on Him? Is God not the true supplier of all my resources no matter where I am?

It is my desire to have these petitions answered before I leave for Kenya. That I would have resolved in my heart that no matter where I am, that He is all, and that is enough. More than enough. Because if He isnt', what's the point?