New Year...

*disclaimer - this blog is a bit philosophical, it is not meant to be a “downer” but perhaps thought provoking. If you only like happy “up” blogs, you may not want to continue reading. end of disclaimer*

New Years...

As a friend of mine wrote on her blog, I’m starting this year in a sober state of mine. I’m not depressed, according to the thesaurus I’m “serious, solemn, sensible, thoughtful, grave, somber, staid, levelheaded, businesslike, down-to-earth, commonsensical, pragmatic, conservative; unemotional, dispassionate, objective, matter-of-fact, no-nonsense, rational, logical, straightforward.”

After spending New Year’s Eve at church and returning home at 6am. I spent most of New Year’s Day in dreamland (try that if you’re married & have kids!) After getting up, I read for a while, and then went outside and sat on the lawn & thought deep thoughts like:

What do I want to accomplish in 2011?

What does God want me to accomplish in 2011?

Is there more to my life than I’m living right now?

Do I need to change my dreams because they’ll never happen?

What is fun? Why don’t I seem to have very much of it in my life?

How have I gotten to this place? Have I slept-walked through my life?

What does “Auld Lang Syne” really mean? (okay this one isn’t so deep, but if you wonder too, you can find the answer on this blog)

These and similar thoughts have been going through my mind ever since. Because of that, and other things, I’m slowly coming to the realization that indeed I am a grown-up and I’m not so sure I’m a fan of that. Mostly because it doesn’t measure up to my childhood dreams. Problem is, I can’t make those dreams happen, and so I have to live the life I have. But what does that mean?

I sure as heck don’t know. Thus my sober musings and my dilemma. I do have some goals for this year like:

• write my book & see if I can get it published
• complete my first term in Kenya
• have more speaking engagements
• read the New Testament every month (#NTx12)
• blog more consistently

2011 hopefully will be a year of accomplishments - in myself, in my job, and in my spiritual walk. Hopefully when I write a blogpost at the beginning of 2012, I’ll be rejoicing in completed goals, looking forward to the future, settled in myself, closer to Jesus.

May this year bring all to you that you are hoping for!

How it all started... (the short version)

Apparently I have new readers all the time (who'd a thunk it) and so it is for you that I write this post as to how in the world I ended up in Kenya. Apologies to anyone who knows the story - feel free to disregard this post, well that is unless you're really bored and want something to do, or you really love me so you'll go through this again... Anyway, on with the story

God really recaptured my heart in Aug 2001 and I dedicated my life to live according to His whims and not mine. It was at that time He birthed in my heart a call to foreign missions. I went on my first short-term trip in 2002 to Romania & fell in love with the country and people. After a lengthy process, I finally went on a long-term basis in April of 2006. I spent 6 months that year & 8 months the next. However I got to a point where I was asking God "Why am I here?" I felt purposeless & useless. Not a great place to be. The Father was kind enough to hear my desperation and put me out of my misery by shutting the door and sending me home to the States.

Once home, I had some time to heal and spent some more time in prayer trying to discern what had just happened. He revealed to me that I'd spent much of the last few months in my own strength doing what "I" thought was right & not using the gifts He'd given me. I had wrongly esteemed other gifts above my own. So I went back to work for my church as the office manager and back to using the gifts and talents I had. (I'm an administrator & I like lists)

After being back Stateside for a year, my mission organization (DMI) asked if I would lead a team to Kenya in June 2009. I willingly said yes. However a team didn't materialize and I decided to go on my own, as I'd missed being out of the USA. In March I was at the annual DMI Mission Fest & met up with Diane at the Ladies Tea. I told her that I'd be coming on my own & that I'd do whatever was most helpful for her, even if it meant doing office work. She got very excited at that prospect, and as I would find out shortly her mind went to work.

Apparently she went back that afternoon and began talking about this with Ibrahim. He, being a former journalist, decided to do a little investigating about me. Later that week during the DOVE Int'l leadership conference we had lunch and all of this came out. The conversation ended with the Omondi's asking if I would be willing to come to Kenya long term as an administrative assistant to Diane. I was blown away. Here I was being given the opportunity to use my gifts on an international level. This was my dream! I wanted to say yes immediately, but decided to wait and see.

The 2 week trip in June/July 2009 went well and I decided to approach my pastor/boss with the news and ask for his input. He prayed and told me I should do what was in my heart. I then sought the approval of the DMI board and received that in Sept.

So, here I am in November of 2010 after a year of support raising in Nairobi, Kenya. I work with Diane and so far my duties primarily consist of the "busy" work. I do newsletters for the 3 main ministries they are involved in - DOVE Missions Africa, Springs of Africa, and DCF Africa. Soon I'll be learning how to update, upgrade, and maintain the websites as well.

Life on God's terms is pretty crazy, but I wouldn't live it any other way.

An adventure... sort of

So today because it was warmer outside than in, I decided I'd move my "office" from the dining table/coffee table inside to the picnic table outside. I loaded up my laptop, french press, coffee mug, warm milk, and papers of notes and out I went. It was lovely... this was my view...

The wind was a little contrary and tried to blow my papers all over, but I solved the problem w/ my coffee mug & cell phone.

But that wasn't my adventure. No that happened this evening in the parking lot of the Karen Crossroads Nakumatt (there's several throughout the city). Diane & Debbi had arrived to fetch me, but Debbi needed something so whilst (can you tell the Brit English is rubbing off) they ran in, I took the keys so I could put my stuff in the Land Rover.

As I was about to take a pic of the lovely full moon and clouds, a security guard came over and this was our conversation:

"Do you belong to this car?"

I answered in the affirmative, and opened the car w/ the keys to prove it.

"Doesn't this car belong to Mrs. Pastor?"

"Yes, I work for Mrs. Pastor" as I put the bags in the car hoping he would take the hint and go away.

"I know Mrs. Pastor. I used to go to Dove church, but now there is the new church in the tents. Do you know it? It is closer, so I go there now."

I nod & keep putting bags in the car, mentally cringing & hoping he'll just go away if I don't continue the conversation.

"Is Pastor Omondi around? I know he travels."

"Yes he is."

"I saw Mrs. Pastor drop you off & leave. Is she here now?"

"Yes" (if you saw me why are you questioning me??? I think)

"How long you been with them? Do you fellowship at Dove church?"

"I've been here two weeks, yes I attend Dove."

"Good, its a good church. I don't think they remember me, was a long time ago. You understand Swahili, you speak it? You in Kenya now, you need have Mrs. Pastor teach you Kiswahili."

"I'll be taking lessons. Thank you, Asante." I say as I take the cart and start to head back to the store & the rescuing presence of other people & light...

"Oh, you go back now?"

"Yes, thank you. Goodbye..."

So that was my adventure in the dark parking lot with a security guard that used to attend Dove. And it reminded me that I'm CONSTANTLY being watched. Good thing to remember as we're all "living epistles" of the Word.

i want it all

Tonight I took myself on a date. I'd had other plans that fell through, and I refused to stay in and mope. So I went to the movies and saw "Eat Pray Love" Now, don't be hatin' and start ranting on the dangers of entertainment in our society, because I believe God has used it to prompt me in some inner places. I went expecting the normal escapist reality that Hollywood has begun, and got a Balaam experience instead. What was meant to be a tool of deception in to spiritualism and eastern mysticism, God used to prick my heart and draw me a little more closely to Him.

Two years ago at this time, I was in Romania begging God to take me out of this world. I didn't understand why I existed. I felt unloved and unlovable. Like Elizabeth at the beginning of the film, I hit a wall and just begged God - "Help me." Life had gotten so beyond me, I wasn't living my life, I was surviving it. Gracious God that He is, kept me on my knees and brought people into my life that could speak the encouragement that I needed. And so I began my own journey out of the darkness, and deeper into Him. It started with a book (When the Heart Waits) and how appropriate that once again I've been prompted by another book, well sort of.

In the "eat" portion, Liz learned to appreciate all the little wonderful things that surround us daily while she was in Italy. It was the idea that God has given us life to fully enjoy it. Instead of rushing from one appointment or meeting to the next, being driven by others ambitions and expectations, enjoy the journey instead. See the flowers along the road, the tears of joy or grief, taste and savor all that is offered. I am learning to do that, I hope. I want be able to see all the things that He does daily to show me that truly He does "richly give me all things to enjoy" All I have to do is open my heart to trust them and eyes to really see them and arms to embrace them. I have been so privileged to experience so many blessings of God, to see Him at work in people and places all over the world, how can I leave them in little compartments instead of allowing God to weave them into the fabric of who I am?

Next, in the "pray" portion Liz travels to an ashram in India because of a boyfriend. He'd devoted himself to a guru when he was "looking for God" and because Liz loses herself into her relationships, she too tried this guru to find God. Yes, God has created within all of us a desire for something larger than the world around us. We want to know that this isn't all there is, because that is too depressing. Truly God has implanted eternity into our hearts and until we find Him we will remain restless. Toward the end of her time at the ashram, the movie shows her sitting on a bench while some others are in a meditation and she comes to a couple of revelations. Here is what I took away from her revelations: First - we each have our own individual relationship with God. Not one of us has the same make up as another, and if we try to conform ourselves into what others claim as pious then we have simply become actors in a play and do not have an authentic relationship with God. He calls us to worship Him in spirit and in truth. Acting is not truth. Secondly she says "God is in me as me." I believe that "I am me, when I am in God" The divine creator formed me and knew every breath I would breathe before the world began. When I identify myself with Him and die to my fleshly desires, seeking His purposes instead, it is then that I truly become myself.

Last is the "love" part of the movie. Liz returns to a medicine man in Bali where she believes her journey truly started. He tells her that she needs balance in her life. To live at the intersection of heaven and earth. She is to meditate in the morning, enjoy Bali during the day, and in the afternoon to visit him and meditate for an hour being quiet and just smiling - with her mouth, her mind, her heart, and even her liver. She sets out to do this and seems content until she meets Filipe, a wonderful Brazilian man who has also learned to be cautious with love due to a divorce. Yet she runs from him because she can no longer find her balance, which to her means following the ritual laid out for her. In the end though she learns that you cannot run from love. Truly, real balance is not performing the ritual but living life and allowing love to knock you out of balance. I need to find the faith to believe that His grace is for me, just as He loves me. His love - how I can receive it unless I believe that I deserve it? It is the biggest love of all - can you describe the feeling of an artist toward his masterpiece? Knowing that you have taken an idea from inside of yourself and turned it into something tangible for all the world to experience with you. That now not only can you imagine it, but you can interact with it? This is His love for us. And I can only begin to take it in when I believe that I am the masterpiece and not just the rough draft.

In the end, Liz sails into the sunset with her love leaving you to imagine that like Cinderella, she lived happily ever after now that she has spent this year learning to eat, pray, and love. And it brings me back to my fairy tale dreams from childhood, when I believed it was all possible. And once again, I want it all. I want a passionate love affair with God that is so rich it steals my breath away, and a fulfilling ministry that brings others to Him flowing from that place of love and grace, and I want to love a man so deeply that I begin to get a taste of the divine connection that makes two people one and shows us just how much God intended for us.

Now the question how do I get it? Is it really possible? I don't know, but I hope so and I'll hang on for the ride.

Intentional Integrity

“The church is full of hypocrites.” If I had to guess, this would probably be the most common excuse for not attending church and writing off those who claim a relationship with Christ as irrelevant. How can Christians be relevant to society if they live hypocritical lives? This brings two questions to mind – What is a hypocrite? How can I keep from being one?

Webster defines hypocrite as “1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion 2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.” It comes from the Greek hypokritēs meaning actor. Thus a hypocrite is an actor, someone who pretends. Hypocrites are those that can talk a good game, but have nothing to back it up. And for a majority of society to believe that the church at large is full of hypocrites, there must be a thread of truth to the notion. 85% of Americans claim that they are “Christians” and yet our society certainly does not reflect a true notion of biblical ethics. Consider the rate of divorce, abortion, and the openly gay lifestyle. These are widely accepted as “normal” and a representation of how advanced and progressive our culture is. Yet all of these things are contrary to what is taught in Scripture.

As a professor friend of mine tells her students, “people will believe your actions over your words …” To avoid being labeled as a hypocrite we have to live out our beliefs intentionally. Integrity can be defined as being the same when people are around and when you’re alone; being undivided in your thoughts and actions. Those who profess a relationship with Christ must be intentional in our integrity. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37 “Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'…” If we are truly “a letter from Christ, … written not with ink … on tablets of human hearts (2 Corinthians 3:3 NIV) then we must honestly represent the complete gospel of Christ, the gospel of the Kingdom of God, when it is easy and when we may look foolish.

In the US we have the privilege of religious freedom. The Bill of Rights guarantees that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” That is the first amendment to our Constitution. This is not true worldwide. In fact statistics say that there are an estimated 171,000 people martyred for the Christian faith every year. What would your faith look like if you had to worry if it would kill you rather than whether or not you would still have your reputation. King David said “I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes…” (2 Samuel 6:22)

So the choice is yours. Prove to society that you are a stereotypical American “Christian” who professes faith but does not live it. Or count the cost and be intentional in your integrity and live a life worthy of Christ who died that you may live.

humility lessons

I'm fasting. But then again our whole church body is. So what is the big deal when people tell me I'm all hard core because of the fast that God impressed upon my heart. I'm not being strict because I want to be (I miss bread!) but because a fast must cost me something. If its easy its not a true fast, or so I've been taught & believe. Am I being too legalistic about this?

I'm fasting the things that steal my heart and time from Him. And yet I'm find myself filling that time with other things rather than spending time with my Father. Why? What is it in me that is pushing Him away? Why can't I learn to quiet my heart and be laid bare before I God? My hands so readily gravitate toward the novel or DVD on my bedside instead of the Word that is right next to them... My flesh is too strong, it MUST come into submission.

I want to be led by the Spirit, not by my desires (or stomach). Too many of my resources go to these other pursuits when I could be using them to further adoptions, missions, or other things that are Kingdom advancing. But is God really calling me to be an ascetic or is it to realize that every choice is one I need to put before Him - missions or movie? adoption or a novel? a latte or a larger offering?

I see that I am a statistic. I am part of the American Christian culture that professes that God is living in me, yet I act as though I am in control and not Him. I believe in God, but too often I do not depend on Him. This is what I mean when I say "I don't like myself in the States." I've found that when He puts me into another place in the world, depending on Him to provide for my every need, when my very existence is all in Him, my faith grows and my relationship with my Father is so much closer. But why is that true there and not here? Is it really so different? Does my existence here not depend on Him? Is God not the true supplier of all my resources no matter where I am?

It is my desire to have these petitions answered before I leave for Kenya. That I would have resolved in my heart that no matter where I am, that He is all, and that is enough. More than enough. Because if He isnt', what's the point?